Regrets — How to Not Look Back

Recently, a friend sent me a poster that said:

‘Let’s talk! If someone gave you a box containing everything you have lost in your life, what would be the first thing you would search for?’

Stop for a while and think about what this one thing would be for you? A relationship, a job, a phase in your life, some people, money, good health, a home, or something else?

If you have chosen anything at all, this is the one thing that you regret in life. If you are someone who takes responsibility for your own actions, then it is likely to be something you did and would like to do it differently. If you tend to lean towards the thought that life happens to you, you are likely to want to get back that thing that you lost due to circumstances or the actions of other people. Only about 10% of people regret an outcome that was caused by something outside of their control.

Either way, the thing that you pick is the one thing that keeps pulling you back into rueful memories. It is, therefore, one among the many things that can keep you from being in the present or looking hopefully towards the future.

The Inevitable Regret

Søren Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher said, ‘Marry and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way.’ There is a similar saying in India which compares marriage to a boor ka ladoo (sweets made from husk) — you repent if you decide to eat it and you repent if you don’t! Many of life’s situations can be compared to marriage.

Life is about decisions! When the outcome of some decisions is not what you wanted it to be, you regret the decision that you made. Based on a study conducted by Ware (2012), the things people regret most include:

• I wish I had pursued my dreams and aspirations, and not the life others expected of me
• I wish I didn’t work so hard
• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings and speak my mind
• I wish I had stayed in touch with friends
• I wish I had let myself be happier

It is also a known statistic that about 75% of people regret their inactions more than their actions. The remaining 25% regret making a wrong decision, marrying the wrong person, or having a child at the wrong time.

Holding on to regret or negative past memories can lead to difficulties in decision making, decrease in confidence and self-esteem, and distorted evaluation of capabilities. It can also lead to physiological issues such as a compromised immune system, unregulated hormone system, and sometimes depression too.

Managing Regret and Having No Regrets

Some pointers towards managing regret and how it can lead to positive outcomes have been discussed below.

When regret leads to behavior change

The feeling of regret may be telling you that you need to change your behavior. This is often the case in addictions where people regret the things they do under the influence. Listen to your emotion and take corrective action.

When regret leads to letting go

If you are among the few people who regret something that was not in your control, try acceptance and moving on. There is absolutely nothing that you gain from looking back yearningly at a time that was or a thing that you had! One last time, think about the situation you label as regretful and reframe it as a positive one. Try and see the silver lining.

I have realized that many things that we regret prove to be quite useful for us in our life’s journey even though we do not know about it at that time. If nothing comes to mind, have the faith that whatever happens, happens for the best and you may just not be in a position to understand the manner in which the universe works!

When regret leads to corrective action

Make a list of your regrets before it is too late and classify them into those that you can do something about and those that are out of your control now. Write down specific ways in which you will change your behavior for the ones that you can control. For example, list down the friends you will call if you regret not staying in touch with your friends. Make a plan for the things you want to say or do for your partner if you regret not having been communicative or expressive.

When regret leads to wisdom

When you feel that you are in control and feel responsible for a negative outcome, you tend to blame yourself. It is always easy to be ‘wiser after the act’ because you know the outcome. You feel that if you could go back in time, you could do things differently. However, consider this, if you went back in time, had the same knowledge, feelings, circumstances, information, and situation that you had at that time, would you not make the same decision? When you made the decision, you could not have known the manner in which things will unfold.

You may think that you did not do your best — but that is also a judgment based on the outcome. You did do your best with the energy, physiology, mood, and ability that you had. If you were lazy and did not do your best, that too was because you were not able to shake yourself out of laziness.

Regret helps us evaluate our current behavior or that we can modify it before it's too late. Knowledge, that the only control you have is over your actions in the ‘here and now’, allows you to let go of regret, blame, and wishful thinking. Belief in the universe’s plan for you helps you keep faith in the future.

To explore how you can get over your regrets, learn from them, accept them, or move on, get in touch, and let’s talk!

Originally published at https://www.shiwanigurwara.com.