Are you Alone or Are you Lonely?

Being someone who loves to stay at home and would rather order-in than go out to a fancy restaurant, I am often asked how I can stay alone for so long. Don’t I feel lonely? That’s a question that has been asked to me so many times, that I have a standard answer for it now.

“Being alone and being lonely are totally different things”

We can be lonely in a crowd and feel understood and connected even when we are alone. If you ever felt that feeling of being totally disconnected in a party when everyone seems to be having fun, you know what I mean!

Some Numbers…

One would have thought that loneliness would have declined over the years due to ease of access to the internet, high bandwidths, and an abundance of apps that allow us to connect. However, 11% of people in the US self-reported loneliness in the 1970s, 20% in the 1980s, and 45% in the 2010s. About 25% of people claim that they have no close friends even though they have large followings on social media.

Why are we Talking about Loneliness?

Loneliness has not been detailed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders. However, loneliness increases the risk of early death by 14% (the same as that of smoking). There are researches and studies (if you care to read them) about how loneliness

• Reduces immunity
• Causes insomnia
• Leads to cardiovascular issues
• Causes high blood pressure
• Induces eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia

It also puts one at a higher risk for some of the mental disorders that are mentioned in the DSM like depression and addiction. It leads to decreased memory function and antisocial behavior too.

What Causes Loneliness?

John Cacioppo (pronounced CACHOPPO) said “Loneliness is about 50% heritable”. This does not mean that loneliness is determined by genes. What appears to be heritable is the intensity of pain felt when one feels socially isolated. Some people are more likely to feel pain or perceive themselves as disconnected when they are out of touch from others.

We have also heard phrases like “It’s lonely at the top”. As you rise higher (in any sphere), there is a lower likelihood of finding people who you can connect with. Even as your network becomes larger, the number of people who can connect in a meaningful way reduces. The sad news, therefore if, that as you gain mastery in an area and fly higher, it becomes difficult for those below to ‘see’ you. Interestingly, research shows that people with extremely high IQs and high EQs fall prey to loneliness!

Some circumstances can also lead to temporary loneliness. If you have to leave town, change your job, or change your college, there may be a phase where you feel lonely. However, this is a temporary phase and the internet makes sure that we are only a data call away from those we love!

Solutions to Manage Loneliness

Temporary feelings of loneliness caused by life events are only temporary. Support yourself by remaining in touch with your erstwhile friends and continue to make new ones, and all should be well in some time.

The other kind of loneliness takes much more to rectify since it is partly biological and partly cognitive in nature. Here are some of my tried and tested tips for managing the feeling of loneliness.

Understand your loneliness

With all the I have mentioned above, hopefully, you have a better idea of the reasons behind your loneliness. Maybe you feel that you do not have people who understand you. Maybe you are missing close and meaningful relationships in your life. Or maybe, you have just shifted from one location to another and it is temporary.

A look at the cause of your feelings of loneliness will also help you find the best solution for it. Remember, living with it is not an option if you want to live a healthy life (physically and mentally).

Learn to Love Your Me-Time

Some of the clients I have coached are just too uncomfortable being alone. This is a clear sign of not being comfortable with who they are. They tend to overcompensate by arranging parties and get-togethers all the time. They have to be working, partying, or chatting with someone, just to fool themselves into feeling ‘not lonely’.

The solution is not to over-compensate (remember you can still be lonely at a party!), but to learn to love yourself. A great tool for this is to write a ‘Compassionate Letter to yourself’. Write a letter to yourself with compassion as if you are writing to someone you care for. Then read it aloud to yourself in front of the mirror. Accept yourself for all that you are without thinking about what you ‘should’ be. Simple as it is, it works if you practice this and a few other Self-Compassion Tools.

Choose Fulfilling Activities

When you are alone and think about how there are such few people in your life, you only add to your misery by ruminating. Put in that effort to find things that have the capability of taking you into a state of ‘flow’. Flow is described by psychologists as a state where you are totally focused on something that is challenging to an extent where you are not aware of the surroundings or time.

Finding such activities is not the easiest thing to do. And these are different for different people. To one day hot upon something that you just love doing, try new things. When you find activities that put you in a state of ‘flow’, spending time with yourself also becomes easy!

Find Your Tribe

All the measures described above, help you in managing the loneliness. But, do not give up on finding your tribe. There are people out there who you will connect with. Have the faith that they DO exist, stay open to new people you meet. Remember, the connection may come after meeting a hundred new people or thousand. But it WILL come. Out the intention out there and you are sure to find your tribe, who understand you and accept you for who you are!

Originally published at http://shiwanigurwara.com.